It's good to come back to this blog every now and then.
Der letzte Eintrag... wow.. es scheint sich alles mal wieder in Kreisen zu drehen, nur dass ich mich dieses mal nicht so fertig mache.
Er kann nicht "fuer mich da sein"- und er ist auf keinen Fall das was ich mir komplett wuenschen wuerde. Meine romantischen Gefuehle fuer ihn existieren eigentlich nicht mehr, und der hauptsaechliche Grund weshalb ich die koerperliche Beziehung (letzte woche) aufrecht gehalten habe war aus Angst die emotionale Beziehung zu verlieren.
also, koerperlichen Kontakt als compensation fuer emotionale Entfernung.
So was sieht man doch immer wieder, und ich fass es nich dass ich den gleichen "Fehler" begehe.
I don't feel emotionally connected to him; all that's holding me there is habit, familiarity and nostalgia. The reason I am not letting go of my romantic feelings is that I still hope. I want to find him again.
Aber wenn das so ist, dann glaub ich brauchen wir erst recht Abstand. Ich hab sogar mit ihm darueber gesprochen. "It's getting to the stage where I'm physically intimate with you because I'm afraid of losing you emotionally".
his response? "go see someone about it"
- so he doesn't feel like that. which is a bit reassuring I guess.
Der ausgleich, the point of the story is, ich muss aufhoeren mich so sehr um ihn zu kuemmern. I shouldn't expect him to be caring. That's what I want, but the fact that he's not fulfilling those wants shouldn't upset me. and dont anymore.
I don't love you romantically, and I don't think we work well together. I dont think we're ready for each other.
Und ich will von allem ausser Ihm losgeloest sein.
Gottseidank fuer die fasten Zeit.
I need to break up with both of them. Plenty of time to find my husband, and maybe in a few years Eamonn WILL be the one.
Having said that, here's somethng I'm thinking but not telling yet:
Why does he want to be with me?
Is he afraid of losing me emotionally as well?
Is he with me because he's afraid to be alone? (doubt it)
WHY are we together?
That's what I'm wondering.
Anyway. FUCK THIS SHIT WE'RE GOING IN FUCKING CIRCLES SO WE NEED TO BREAK THIS OFF OR ACTUALLY MOVE FORWARD BUT I DONT THINK WE'RE READY TO MOVE FORWARD! FUUUUUUCK
Kann nich schlafen. Weiss nicht was ich machen soll. Warum mag ich ihn so sehr, und gleichzeitig gar nicht? Ich kann es nicht ertragen ihm weh zu tun. Mein suesser, wunderschoener Freund. Ich hab ihn so gern..
Aber manchmal zieht er wirklich meinen Zorn auf sich.
Entaeuschend. It's time for sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I want to be gone. Dead. Somewhere else.
Feel like a Tarot reading. Like a ritual maybe. Incense sticks, candles and blood.
I want to be..... somewhere far away. Never to return. I want to take something away so that its value will finally be appreciated. And I'm glad T was there today- but it kind of hurts to feel that I can't talk to my 'good friend'. Right now there are so many topics I could think of- so many things on my mind (and maybe on his??) But my policy of "don't tell unless you're asked" is getting in the way and I am really not wanting to overthrow another one of my policies for (sein) sake?
Ich vermisse meine Muesli. I miss you.
I miss you.
Right now. I want you back. I am still... hoping.
I miss you.
I feel numb... terrible...
My stupid intensity... It's too much for 'people' to handle.. and I get so passionate about situations and connections that I often think to myself "they'll get over it- just keep going" and I do keep going. Digging at their personalities, penetrating their depths. Without considering, for longer than a second, that they might feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable and out of control.
It's such an ugly feeling- to have imbalance in a relationship (that's if you're the heavier end of the scale). My intentions weren't... aggressive or bad ones... I simply love discovering people. I want to find them out as quick as I can. I want to dive into their fascinating, beautiful depths, explore their innermost fears and secrets, places and metaphorical chambers that were unknown even to them. I want to be consumed by this passion.
One good thing is that I am sure of my feelings now. Not sure what I will say to him. Not sure how I'll play this game. I want the friendship.
Thing is. It always felt like they were in it for themselves. And they ask "how are you" for themselves. Everything. Self-indulged.
Because your behavior doesn't reflect what you're saying.
So have fun re-connecting because I don't feel sincerity here.
That's why I enjoy Z's company. Because he CARES. and even if that is just at the most basic level yet, cause he doesn't know me well despite an attraction from his side. Showing interest means making an effort to discover, share, get-to-know. And in that state they begin to reach the level of encompassing passion for the other person that I feel so intently for every interesting human being that crosses my path.
Oh, I want to get to know them. It rips at my heart. I want to know you. I love you. I could be IN love with you. I know that. But not in the sense of the word. I AM in love with you. I care about you. If only they could understand.
Figure yourselves out already! Why are you so fucking slow? What is it with them not wanting to pursue the path of self-discovery? What is with them staying in one spot- being fine with situations as they come, without analyzing their own responses to work out patterns, to make life better, to become more articulate and self-aware. WHAT THE FUCK is it with that?
In saying this: I do understand. Differences of experiences, goals, needs.
I am so extremely stressed!! I can't bring myself to sit down and to work through it!
Also I have mixed feelings- I don't know what I think of the situation. I am annoyed and a bit frustrated with him. Unsure about his feelings. Unsure about MY feelings. Although, in truth, I know (once again) the potential here! I KNOW that if I trusted him a bit more (in terms of stability) I'd be able to fall. It is frustrating to be uncertain about how he actually feels about and sees the situation. I don't want to be messed with. AND what's more, I don't want to put myself in the situation (EXACTLY THIS ONE) where I mess with my own feelings. One moment I'm like "yeah, good" and the next I am completely detached" or rather, - I force myself to be detached in order not to get overwhelmed by this intensity. I know it could work from my side.
Why the fuck is he so inconsistent in what he expresses, and- is what he expresses what I THINK he means?? Because, sometimes, it appears that our defintions are different and so I am prone to misinterpret. The other thing- To get clarification I'd want to speak to him in person and not over the phone.
If he doesn't feel strongly enough about me than why fool around.
ALL OR NOTHING.
It'd be best if he could tell me straight out: we should go back to earlier bench.
At least I know what I'm at.
Feelings??? How are the feelings you have for me, any other than feelings you have for everyone else? It doesn't make sense. Articulate yourself. *sigh*.
Then again. I quit.
The important thing is, I love him.
And it's not like it is the first time I am disappointed by the guy.
Sit back, chill out, drink tea, forget about it and LIVE. Fuckin live. Swallow up what's bothering me and smile and listen. Just be supportive. Be there.
I am happy for you. I really, truly am.
But- I really have no clue who you are. And I am not sure about my own stance on the situation.. I guess the thing is I am not letting myself fall, I don't need you, I can live without you. Not even the friendship. I am fond of you. But I suppose I have let myself abuse my own trust system (feel like I placed too much trust in something unstable) so I can't rely on you, or trust. A waste of effort almost. Well done self. Another mistake.
They're no different. And in saying this I know there is more to it- something might have happened within the past few weeks to make him change his mind?! Who knows.
I'd like to leave this place first thing in the morning.
Just flipped through earlier posts and found one on insecurities and weaknesses which made me think.
Recently I feel like I'm an emotional block of ice. When I think about it, it almost seems like since my friendships that I was forced to leave behind at the age of 14 (I'm nearly 20) I haven't let myself become attached to the same extend. Now, one could argue that this is a defense mechanism because I don't want to lose people. But that just doesn't make sense! Am I talking myself into thinking that I wouldn't "have a problem with" leaving friends here? What am I hiding from my self?
Another thing that my sub-conscious recently shoved into my face is the way that I adapted when we arrived in Australia. I learned English fluently and accent-free within three months, researched some of the Australian pop-culture jokes and contexts, learned how to apply sarcasm in social situations etc, and voila: I looked and acted like any other Australian Kid.
Meanwhile, I felt "insecure" about my Germanness. I'd feel extremely uncomfortable when people would ask me to "say something in German" and often I'd simply refuse because I felt physically unable to speak German to people who don't understand it. Honestly, sometimes I'd try to force myself to say something in German but nothing would come out! On this note: It's not a circus trick to speak another language! I'd avoid mentioning that I lived in Germany most of my life to people whom I just met- unless they'd ask the dreaded question "Are you from here?". Years later though I am confident enough to acknowledge my German side, I can speak German to non-german friends without feeling embarrassed. I even break into German songs with ppl I feel comfortable with! Maybe the solution was to learn to not take things so seriously and to apply some humor to situations...
Wo willst du hin?
Ich frag mich ob ich jemals jemanden finden werde bei dem es mir anders geht. Obwohl das ja wahrscheinlich hauptsaechlich an mir liegt. Ich muss mich selbst erstmal aufraeumen. Andererseits.... habe ich seit dem nie die selben gefuehle fuer freunde empfunden.
I just don't care.
I'm emotionally (too) detached.
What's my problem?!