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meanwhile I figured out that I want an EXTREMELY open relationship because I feel so restricted.

We'd be able to come and go as we please, to lose touch for a while but be at the same point when we meet again, to feel comfortable with telling the other person about prospective relationships/ crushes. But maybe our friendship is still too young to be expecting that kind of thing.

In other words I want the freedom, honesty and patience that comes with a friendship and I want the intimacy of a 'relationship'.
Does that work??
I think she has a completely wrong idea about what I want. I don't even feel like she knows me at all these days. Neither do I know her (admittedly). And in addition to that I feel like I am running out of time to show her what I'm about, who I am. I've known what I want for a while now but we NEVER get the opportunity to talk!! I'm BUSTING to show her, to tell her, to ask her what she wants, to make things clear... but you cant do that over email. I need to talk about these things before I see her again...I have this restless feeling that we'll lose something otherwise.
It feels essential to the friendship.

I don't know if she wants more or less then that? hmm
how annoying.
I want to be able to talk to her as a friend.
2.1.09 12:38


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lol... hillarious little thread online.

"Virgos CAN get around scorpios mindgames. Someone said it correctly, we're not afraid but most Scorpios think we are. They don't acknowledge how close we get to taking off their masks. We don't care that you don't because its not our goal to win you, so it's all good

I came to DXP about a Scorp/Sag cusp November 22nd (before noon is Scorp and after noon is Sag). I am currently involved (sorta) with another cuspian Nov 21st. He was a friend who I lost contact with in early 2005 and got back in touch with in 2008. We slept together for the first time and he is MIA. I asked him a couple of questions, one of which he told me was hard but another he was honest because after playing the "what do you mean" game for a minute and having me say it in a thousand different ways I simply told him to stop screwing with me and answer the damn question. So whoever said that Scorpios recognize what we Virgos are up to in trying to figure them out and that they turn it around and boggle our minds, you are on point for real with this. He won't draw my emotions out. I won't say a peep more, he will have to come back to me or we're over for good. It's not about power, but I refuse to play this game. I didnt come in to this on game mode and I am not going to play the game mode. I don't do the game mode. It's a waste of energy and poor use of emotions."

thanks A... you're funny. :p
3.1.09 02:58


still not defining but getting close

I love.
I MISS THEM

The passion overcomes me.
You two are beautiful souls. Amazing people.
I love standing by and observing you as you move in this world.
The way you affect others. I love the conversations we have. I love our differences. I love your individuality. I love your need for freedom. I love your passion. I love the way you don't settle down. Your restlessness. Your silent melancholy. The fact that we shared all these nights of endless fellowship and comfort. I love the way you helped me grow. The way that you were the initial spark for my motivation to embark on a journey of self discovery when I was still quite young. I love how you'd call at 4am with a completely different tone in your voice- and you'd sit in silence, in darkness and share that moment with me. Beautiful soul. I love how you turned me over and analyzed me so thoroughly. I felt intimidated. But by now it's much more equal.
He taught me how to be critical and analytical of anything and everything. She shows me new dimensions. To learn a language in which to express what I see. To grasp the concept of equality and balance. I love how she understands. The sincere compassion. Her talent to get beneath the surface. I love how you draw others close to you but you yourself remain a mystery. I love that I am able to draw you out. I love that we can be out of touch for months but that we'll be at the same point again when we finally make contact.

However, this overwhelming Feeling I have is a distant, detached one. And yet its so violent, so vibrant. So eternal.
It's my own definition of being in love. There's no-body that I could not let go (it used to be more difficult, more painful. But it's easily done, now). I only need one thing in this life to keep me sane. And I know I will never lose it.
Though no other friends of mine fill me with this much passion. You set me ablaze. I love who he is trying to be. And I love who she is. My heart explodes with joy at the thought of having you close. Of meeting you. Again and again.

How does that work? It just does. It's not a physical love. I am completely detached from both of you- in a healthy way.
That's why I have no jealousy issues. In fact. It's more than that. I WANT you to find more people to affect in that way. But I hate to see either one of you to be in a static relationship with no potential for growth within either person (not that my opinion matters. I'm only an observer).
What's a relationship good for if you can't help each other to reach new heights of consciousness? In love or not. There's got to be that balance.

I'd much rather spend less time to give space for personal development so that we can share thoughts, analyze and shape ourselves, letting the influence of the other flow freely.
I feel very restricted in 'romantic, steady relationships' especially if I care about the person. It's ironic. I know. And I am a hypocrite. I know that too.

In fact, I felt trapped for a while. I don't want distance in that way. But there is. There is. We need to work something out or else there'll be misunderstandings and we'll pull away.
I know so little.
But so do you.

hmm.

Dream of the night:
We were in a conference room, around a long table, in the midst of a discussion about affecting things/others around us tremendously even by making the smallest, most innocent decision.
It must have been a room full of TCK's. He asked if any of us has ever invited a foreign friend over to stay with us in our host or 'home' country.
I told them my story.
Then she said she did, too, with a strange look in her face, pulling back the pain from the surface. There was silence, all eyes on her.
"your friend died because of that decision" he said gently.
She nodded, her eyes already beginning to escape. to look back.
He smiled and said how proud he was of her because she seems to have dealt with it so well. The fact that she's built such a strong wall around that painful story. And that she shouldn't tear it down, over and over again. Told her to keep pulling herself back. What's gone is gone and cannot be re-taken.
There was a burning sting in my heart and I woke up.

Immediate Thoughts: Beautiful. Strong. I'm so sorry.

I live in your stories. I don't just listen. I feel it. But do not let me go further. Shut me out. There are things better left untouched. I understand completely. More than understand.
I love you.
I adore you.
I miss you.
I want to be there for you.

(Silly English and its lack of two separate words to express the collective or the individual "you").
you know what I mean.
3.1.09 18:21


an incredible emptiness.
18.1.09 09:42


Tranquility is in awareness today

Have I mentioned that I am in love?
I AM greedy and I admit to it. She doesn't even have to be a part of my life for me to be consumed by this feeling.
I am truly idealistic when it comes to love.

"To care about two people the way you do is a difficult path to walk."
My reply: I am absolutely fine. It's not a path I walk- it's a path I run with confidence (perhaps because I am focusing on my own truth?) I am laughing at the simplistic beauty of it. Smiling at my detachment from it. Curious at the fact that I am left unaffected by other's emotions or interpretations. Your response or lack of doesn't take away from this purity. I truly am passionate about you. Does it seem selfish?
I am just laying things out the way they are, the way I feel. I am not depriving any of you of your emotions or your rights. Just stating how it is.

It's so intriguing. In a world with no complications or situational distractions I would simply want to be with her. I want to be with you. And yet, the sheer expression of those words is enough for me. For one of the things I love is the eternal loneliness. Knowing that no conversation can change the presence.
Do I even want to know the answer to my questions?
It doesn't bother me if I don't hear.

What did I say the other day...?
If I have anything to do with part of her struggles or confusion I want the conversation just so I can help. Not for my sake. It's unnecessary. I wish I could get over my evasive nature. (No I don't... It's one of those disgusting self-preserving things that are simply part of my being).
I thought we had/ could have quite a good connection. We are similar in ways. And there is a profound potential for shared understanding in a way that is not easy to find. Having said that, my heart is not screaming with discomfort and desire. The thought of her doesn't cloud my mind or prevent me from focusing on other pursuits.
And yet the intensity of the emotion is felt so clearly. Once again, I am the passionate observer and she is one of my definitions of beauty.

To others the mystery and constant wall is off-putting. To me it's magnetic. Not because I see a challenge. But because I see somebody... well... with depths. I am instantly attracted to walls. Was I too involved for a while? Getting lost in the passion that I have for my skyscrapers? I had become physically attached. And expected an ongoing friendship. Though current events call for re-evaluation. Waiting is the answer. But it's the wrong word in this case. Waiting suggests an excited anticipation. I am... parallel, available. Despite the fact that it will take time again to reach the same level of emotional intimacy. or a similar one. Well, we'll see.

And then I have my little poet to the left.
29.1.09 12:45


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