Feeling a transformation... a change, - happening right now.
I like the fact that no-one reads this blog. But I guess there's the constant fear that one day the database will disappear just like the last one. Memories stay with me, nonetheless, but I'd miss the excitement of reading through old notes. I hope I never lose my hard-copy Journals. (probably will though).
Anyway. Today was interesting. I've been brought to tears a few times in the past two days- just meditating, introspection. Feeling... like I'm being pulled... into something? But I am not listening enough to find out what this is, where it's coming from. I distract myself with study, talk or Tarot. Why not trust in this source?? Sit down in silence? I need to step away sometime soon and let the busyness pass. To become attached is the least of my worries, as it turns out. I have faith in the connection. That's a very reassuring recognition. I do like the idea of the "Fool". Initially I thought more certainty would make it better. To know what will or will not happen...
But I'm beginning to think that maybe there's a reason for the bad timing. It's another one of those precautions, taken care of for me. Thank you.
I think we would get too involved if we had another chance, so soon. And I've been feeling almost restricted by the new development of things (although that's unjustified on the surface...). Today it feels fine though.
Share your thoughts if you wish, come if you like, stay if you want, leave if you so desire.
I'm receptive, open, available.
I like not putting pressure on people. It's a good feeling. Liberating. Especially when someone tells me that that's not what usually happens.
You're completely free BECAUSE I love you.
I'm feeling.... content.. Everything will happen, when it's meant to. as it's meant to. "The Star"
Oh, I love it.
And I do think about all of these people.
Eco camp huh?
Fire. Wood. Earth. Clouds. Moon.
I am looking forward to distance!?
What does that mean? I'm neutral? I could stay longer... I'm fine with leaving. We've got our own lives to live..
Is it that i feel we would waste time?? But we don't, much.
No, we do.. not waste time... but spend 'too much' time 'too closely'.
need some more oxygen, introspection, individual journeying. hmmmmm
things are going well.
no attachment in either case.
and a knowledge that it won't change.
excited about life. excited about next year. excited about the process.
Time to wake up and study!
I can't remember what it feels like to miss someone...
(that's a lie...)
Did I tell you that when I returned back home I freaked out because it felt too much like a relationship?
And so I tried to push you away, to disappear for a while but in Hindsight it's a bad, horrible habit. Why do I push people away instead of trying to solve the issue openly. Communication. It would result in less confusion and pain on the other person's part.
I didn't follow through with it. After two days, the lack of physical presence made up for the need of space. Thing is; we're based on distance. I am glad for it. Our friendship would have developed differently otherwise-. Just wondering how marriage would turn out with this kind of mindset...
I love you.
I love falling asleep next to "you".
I love being detached from this.
And the fact that you are, too.
Grateful for the connection.
I don't FEEL like we are. (probably because of my definition of it..)
But mostly (these days) I feel emotionally unavailable.
I'm enjoying the process.
There seems to be potential for more and more growth.
I hope to see you soon and to share my family.
"you wouldn't let me go" she says with crossed fingers and puppy-dog eyes.
That's not my intention. I can't stop you, but I can stop myself. Von mir aus kann es "ewig" so weitergehen. (well, not forever...).
Too comfortable to be nervous??? What an odd concept. But it does make sense I suppose.