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It feels unresolved, but I am not sure to what extend that is just on my part.

I feel guilty. Bad. Sorry.

Need to balance the importance I place on my friendships. But I guess he's hardly "a friend". How many are there?

I would say... one or two.

Do I care about the others? To an extend. At the moment I don't. Might sound odd. But I find them distracting.

Don't need outside influences to re-fuel. I can be with or without you. But it's nice to have unlimited access.

In love,


L
2.5.09 04:15


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Fantasy stuff

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
I miss it...

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
the time we'd spent on creating worlds, spaces, scenarious out of nowhere

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
and to explore these indeptly and physically. It was so vibrant. To emerge yourself in this imagination so much that you forget who you are, where you are, just for a few hours

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
until the next day, when you decide you want to alter it a little.

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
a bike becomes a horse, a ball becomes a friend, a stick becomes a wand and a pearl becomes the capsule and holder of magnificant magical riches which you are destined to find and will find throughout the unfolding journey of your impulsive, imaginative creation

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
I want to go somewhere quiet, away from industrial surroundings, away from people. I want to take nadja with me... just to break out of routine and fall back into the past just that little bit more.
4.5.09 11:17


Note 2 self: write down the story

Maybe all it takes is to indulge myself in memories...? I did and am just now coming out of that zone.. and I feel... numb... I feel deliciously distant. I do not care. Incapable of or unwilling to care.
There's no emotion... nothing left. It's all spent on the past. Emptiness. Welcomed emptiness. not painful.
Remember having to induce koerperlichen Schmerz in order to re-create and find a substitute for emotion?



hmmmm

Let's do it some more. Shut myself out. I want to prolong this feeling. I don't want to speak to anybody right now. You are a distraction to my purpose (normally you're an aid, a tool, a goal). I don't have much to say to them. I don't trust them. Tonight, when I asked, I felt nothing- no warmth, no interest. More alert, more evasive than usual. I don't want to be touched when I'm like this. BECAUSE I am alone. And so it shall be. Until - perhaps one day. I will see it as your right to partake. Even if they aren't capable... Trivializing, distorting, changing the meaning of stories. Everybody's experience is of the same value and nobody can experience something in the same way (similar, perhaps).
So why am I so attached to that part?


Walking until the street lights turn on. Until the busy city street is filled with flooding impressions of light that suggest outlines, shapes. Arrival: It smells different. The climate is hot and sticky. A lot of people.
Nausea. Anxiety. Responsibility. Deadness. I CAN'T. where are you. sitting on floor, dark, silent,. staring through walls. No recognition of self. Not sleeping. Headaches. Hollow. A profound sensation of penetrating emptiness. The responsibility to have strength. I need help. I don't want to share this.

I don't want to share this.
I don't want to share this.
I don't want to share this.

What is this... what am I experiencing? Hot, cold, shivering.
I DON'T CARE

Willing to give it all up. To give up. I need help. Don't let it come to this. I can't stop on my own.
Disconnected. Not confiding in anyone but yearning to be able to.

I don't want to share this.

Cold tiles. Cold Metal. Warm skin. Dripping gently on the floor. letting my tired, drained body rest beside me.

It's been a long time since I last felt this way.
Violently shutting people out.

Speaking hurts. Disconnected from all. Including my own voice.
Knowing that nobody knows.

I feel sick.
If only you'd ask- I'd share.

I care.

I want to give myself up. To have my sense of "self" completely devoured and to identify and be identified wholly with that identity. Ideal. Concept. A lifelong process- but the wish is there. The impulse is throbbing in the background.

Level one: her, her, him, him, him, her, him, him, him, him. And all the others, too.

Level two: N.

Level three: M

Level four: more intricate, connected, more knowledge of the other, of self, more trust based on this fact, more history? More influence, (subject to change).

Level five: United.

I want you guys to know but I don't want to reveal. You have to make your own way through it. Ask the right questions. Show the right actions at the same time. And: Do not give mixed signals, because I already don't know how much you want to know or care.
And who cares if you care or not. The pieces stay in the dusty little box, quite happily, not anticipating or craving to be discovered.


"God you're complicated"...
Coming from that particular person, it's quite a statement.
4.5.09 15:59


Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
You're offline

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
I did want to ask you a couple of questions. But I thought it would be better not to.

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
Who knows how stable and well evaluated these thoughts are when in such a state

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
So I guess I won't.

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
And to be honest. I don't care about the answers. It's curiosity.

Lua - Expires 02.05.10 says:
Feeling so.,... completely removed.. distant.. from everything. I love this feeling.
4.5.09 17:14


Intuition: some sort of innate defense mechanism

I am covered in spikes
4.5.09 17:25


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