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I found a community online. But something in me does not want to get involved.

A lot of self awareness. Too close to be neutral enough to help. Coming back to it is natural but we come back at different depths.
It happens in cycles, whenever out psyche is ready process again.
This cycle is good. THIS is good. Work with your stories, through a medium, instead of sitting in the emotion. "It seems like you need some time and introspection yourself- in order to go through this effectively. And that's ok.
But at what stage do you stop? When does it become a concern/ unhealthy?
I'm beginning to find out who the real me is. Talking about it helps. Articulation. Already within the past three days during my nostalgia I worked out new things about old experiences...
patterns. My concept of weakness and where it comes from. This time it will be different. Don't ignore this calling (something deep inside of me is calling my conscious to focus on the past for a while). It'll be more proactive because I have more knowledge.

I wasn't going to get involved in this community... I'm not really sure where to start. I have lived in this country for five years now. I struggle with self-disclosure more than I let on. I don't want to exaggerate or over-dramatize this. Still, I feel like I am.
I don't feel... comfortable lately. The past has been coming back to me and I feel as though I am falling into "relapse". I am afraid of re-processing these experiences- of falling back into a sort of harmful Nostalgia. I discovered the third culture kids/ adults theory late last year... it was... comforting. Healing. It is liberating. To finally be able to articulate these emotions- to pinpoint a reason, a cause, to have a theory by which to try and define what we are going through. I also met a few TCK's and shared experiences etc. But overall I haven't spent too much time on re-thinking and applying theory to life experiences. But it seems like it is finally catching up now... For the past three days I've had dreams about long-repressed experiences, suddenly unresolved grief pushes to the surface...
For those of you who have read it, Sophia's story in "TCK" touched me beyond expression. I am beginning to uncover my own patterns- issues that I thought I didn't have (like intimacy, relationship, attachment struggles...). I have this hideous concept of weakness that seems to rule my life- the reason for why I am constantly repressing these issues even though I KNOW it's ok to feel this way, it's ok to talk about it. There's nothing weak about grief.

My friend asked me to tell him the story. To share. But how do you share? How can you possibly even begin to disclose something... so.. scattered. It wouldn't make sense to him. It doesn't. My attempts have been met with frowns and confusion- and frankly, I am too attached to the fresh, aging pain that is tied with these memories.
12.5.09 16:03


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