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self analysis

Just flipped through earlier posts and found one on insecurities and weaknesses which made me think.

Recently I feel like I'm an emotional block of ice. When I think about it, it almost seems like since my friendships that I was forced to leave behind at the age of 14 (I'm nearly 20) I haven't let myself become attached to the same extend. Now, one could argue that this is a defense mechanism because I don't want to lose people. But that just doesn't make sense! Am I talking myself into thinking that I wouldn't "have a problem with" leaving friends here? What am I hiding from my self?

Another thing that my sub-conscious recently shoved into my face is the way that I adapted when we arrived in Australia. I learned English fluently and accent-free within three months, researched some of the Australian pop-culture jokes and contexts, learned how to apply sarcasm in social situations etc, and voila: I looked and acted like any other Australian Kid.

Meanwhile, I felt "insecure" about my Germanness. I'd feel extremely uncomfortable when people would ask me to "say something in German" and often I'd simply refuse because I felt physically unable to speak German to people who don't understand it. Honestly, sometimes I'd try to force myself to say something in German but nothing would come out! On this note: It's not a circus trick to speak another language! I'd avoid mentioning that I lived in Germany most of my life to people whom I just met- unless they'd ask the dreaded question "Are you from here?". Years later though I am confident enough to acknowledge my German side, I can speak German to non-german friends without feeling embarrassed. I even break into German songs with ppl I feel comfortable with! Maybe the solution was to learn to not take things so seriously and to apply some humor to situations...

Wo willst du hin?

Ich frag mich ob ich jemals jemanden finden werde bei dem es mir anders geht. Obwohl das ja wahrscheinlich hauptsaechlich an mir liegt. Ich muss mich selbst erstmal aufraeumen. Andererseits.... habe ich seit dem nie die selben gefuehle fuer freunde empfunden.

I just don't care.
I'm emotionally (too) detached.
What's my problem?!
22.5.09 06:15
 


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