Although I attack you, hurt you, make you feel uneasy...
There's no question about it.
I love you.
(We go in circles. I wonder where we'll stop today.)
This story is developing beautifully.
I should study. But study desk isn't working and so I am a little unmotivated. At least my room is now clean and I can attempt to learn tomorrow.
Should I go out again? ...
Sophie is upset because I haven't seen her in a while.
Quite dramatic... overreacting. But, I can understand. I see why. Does it mean less to me? What a horrible thought. But I don't want to ignore the truth just because it doesn't fit with my ideals. Better to confront, analyze and question oneself.
So, it seems like I am too detached from people. I am fine with letting go, drifting apart (in this case, anyway- I will play this safe by leaving some room for exceptions).
It's with no self-pity or excuse that I say: I can be selfish.
One thing about me is that I will admit these things. I'll admit when I'm wrong.
Am I sorry?
I hope I am.
I feel bad. But that isn't the same emotion, I don't think.
I feel obliged. Which in itself creates a sickening situation. I don't want to feel "obliged" to be somebody's friend.
I am busy, I am on a different level at the moment, in a different state of mind that just doesn't connect with the past- changed. not changed--> temporarily transformed.
There are many different puzzle pieces that make up my personality and at the moment the bottom ones are closer to the surface. "So I just have to wait."
No, it's not like that.. I don't want it to be considered "waiting". A utopia where we can come and go, detached but caring. Where we aren't restricted by a friendship- rather, liberated through it.
But dream on, self.
I say this with no regret. I know what I have to do. And I'm ok with that.
I truly AM sorry for hurting her this way. And I do love her.
but I'm not IN love with her. no passion. so why is that??
More about this later I think.
It's time to move on.