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I am so extremely stressed!! I can't bring myself to sit down and to work through it!
Also I have mixed feelings- I don't know what I think of the situation. I am annoyed and a bit frustrated with him. Unsure about his feelings. Unsure about MY feelings. Although, in truth, I know (once again) the potential here! I KNOW that if I trusted him a bit more (in terms of stability) I'd be able to fall. It is frustrating to be uncertain about how he actually feels about and sees the situation. I don't want to be messed with. AND what's more, I don't want to put myself in the situation (EXACTLY THIS ONE) where I mess with my own feelings. One moment I'm like "yeah, good" and the next I am completely detached" or rather, - I force myself to be detached in order not to get overwhelmed by this intensity. I know it could work from my side.
Why the fuck is he so inconsistent in what he expresses, and- is what he expresses what I THINK he means?? Because, sometimes, it appears that our defintions are different and so I am prone to misinterpret. The other thing- To get clarification I'd want to speak to him in person and not over the phone.
If he doesn't feel strongly enough about me than why fool around.


It'd be best if he could tell me straight out: we should go back to earlier bench.
At least I know what I'm at.

Feelings??? How are the feelings you have for me, any other than feelings you have for everyone else? It doesn't make sense. Articulate yourself. *sigh*.

Then again. I quit.
The important thing is, I love him.
And it's not like it is the first time I am disappointed by the guy.
Sit back, chill out, drink tea, forget about it and LIVE. Fuckin live. Swallow up what's bothering me and smile and listen. Just be supportive. Be there.
I am happy for you. I really, truly am.

But- I really have no clue who you are. And I am not sure about my own stance on the situation.. I guess the thing is I am not letting myself fall, I don't need you, I can live without you. Not even the friendship. I am fond of you. But I suppose I have let myself abuse my own trust system (feel like I placed too much trust in something unstable) so I can't rely on you, or trust. A waste of effort almost. Well done self. Another mistake.
They're no different. And in saying this I know there is more to it- something might have happened within the past few weeks to make him change his mind?! Who knows.

I'd like to leave this place first thing in the morning.
25.5.09 15:57


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