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I feel numb... terrible...
My stupid intensity... It's too much for 'people' to handle.. and I get so passionate about situations and connections that I often think to myself "they'll get over it- just keep going" and I do keep going. Digging at their personalities, penetrating their depths. Without considering, for longer than a second, that they might feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerable and out of control.
It's such an ugly feeling- to have imbalance in a relationship (that's if you're the heavier end of the scale). My intentions weren't... aggressive or bad ones... I simply love discovering people. I want to find them out as quick as I can. I want to dive into their fascinating, beautiful depths, explore their innermost fears and secrets, places and metaphorical chambers that were unknown even to them. I want to be consumed by this passion.

One good thing is that I am sure of my feelings now. Not sure what I will say to him. Not sure how I'll play this game. I want the friendship.
Thing is. It always felt like they were in it for themselves. And they ask "how are you" for themselves. Everything. Self-indulged.

Because your behavior doesn't reflect what you're saying.
So have fun re-connecting because I don't feel sincerity here.

That's why I enjoy Z's company. Because he CARES. and even if that is just at the most basic level yet, cause he doesn't know me well despite an attraction from his side. Showing interest means making an effort to discover, share, get-to-know. And in that state they begin to reach the level of encompassing passion for the other person that I feel so intently for every interesting human being that crosses my path.

Oh, I want to get to know them. It rips at my heart. I want to know you. I love you. I could be IN love with you. I know that. But not in the sense of the word. I AM in love with you. I care about you. If only they could understand.

Figure yourselves out already! Why are you so fucking slow? What is it with them not wanting to pursue the path of self-discovery? What is with them staying in one spot- being fine with situations as they come, without analyzing their own responses to work out patterns, to make life better, to become more articulate and self-aware. WHAT THE FUCK is it with that?

In saying this: I do understand. Differences of experiences, goals, needs.
1.6.09 15:40


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